My little pony christmas
by Psquiddy288
Summary: Things go crazy when the holidays come in Equestria. Spike must survive thanksgiving with the apple family, black friday, being kidnapped by a mall santa, and a home invasion.


Twilight is putting some mashed potatoes into a bowl as Spike takes cranberry sauce out of a can and onto a plate.

"Alright, Spike. Let's go over to sweet apple acres." Twilight says.

"But Twilight, you know I don't wanna be anywhere near Granny Smith! She's racist towards dragons, and she molested me!" Spike says.

"Bullshit, Spike. I call bullshit. She didn't molest you! She gave you a bath when you were two!" Twilight says.

"Fine!" Spike says. They ride their hot air balloon over to sweet apple acres. When the balloon lands, they walk inside with their food. Big Mac, Breyburn, Granny Smith, Spike, Twilight, Applejack, and Applebloom are there for thanksgiving,

"Why hello, Twilight!" Granny Smith says.

"Hey, Granny Smith! It's your homeboy Spikey!" Spike says. Granny Smith ignores Spike and walks away. Spike walks over and sits at the dinner table. No food is on the table yet.

"Why y'all at the table so quick, Spike?" Applebloom asks.

"They youngest one at the table gets a turkey leg, and the first one at the table gets a turkey leg. I'll get both of them if I'm patient." Spike says.

"But Spike, I didn't know you were smart enough to come up with a way to cheat the system like that!" Applebloom says.

"Yes, but I licked the rock, and now I'm wise." Spike says. (You aren't supposed to get it.). Everyone else begins to sit at the table. Granny Smith walks over to Spike.

"Now Spike, you don't get to sit at the grown up table. You need to sit at the kid's table." Granny Smith says, pointing to a smaller table that is on the end of the normal table.

"Wait, that means I won't be the first one at the table! FUCK!" Spike says. He starts to have a meltdown. He starts crying, snot runs down his face, and his face turns red. Spike runs away and cries in the bathroom. After about ten minutes of everyone eating, Spike comes out. Somepony has already put the turkey leg on his plate. His face is still kinda red.

"Yaaaay!" Spike says before sitting down. Breyburn reaches for the prune jelly to put on a roll. Big mistakey. Granny Smith whips out a revolver and shoots Breyburn from across the table. She shoots him six times, making him fall out of his chair and die. Granny Smith empties the cylinder of her revolver and holsters it.

Spike is sitting there, eating his turkey leg. He tries to push out what he thinks is a gentle, quiet fart. A shit nugget rolls down his leg and falls under the table. Spike got a nasty idea, a terrible, awful idea. He nudges the nugget across the floor. When Applebloom gets up to use the bathroom, she steps on it.

"Why is there fuckin' shit on the floor!?" Applebloom yells. She falls backwards, and grabs the table cloth. All of the food falls on the floor. Granny Smith gets up.

"That's it! It's clobberin' time!" Granny Smith says, holding up a belt.

"Spike, mistletoe!" Twilight whispers to Spike. Spike and Twilight get the fuck out of there.

The next day, ponies are lining up outside the mall. The line goes around the back of the mall, the other side, stretches out from the front, across the road, and is blocking traffic. Some swat guards are wearing riot armor and have tear gas grenades ready. Big Mac is inside of the mall wearing a security guard outfit. Another guard is next to Big Mac.

"When they get in here, that's when we run." the other guard says.

"Yup." Big Mac says. Big Mac reaches a hoove back and unsnaps the strap on his pistol holster. A loud siren rings. The doors open. Big Mac and the other guard turn around and also run into the store. They pull out their pistols and shoot behind them as they run. A bunch of shoppers fall from being shot, which trips other shoppers.

Big Mac and the other guard run over to the electronics section where shoppers have already gotten in through the back door and are taking televisions and shit. By the time they get there, all of the TVs are gone. A pony tackles the other guard.

"Give me that pepper spray! I've gotta go get an xbox!" the pony says. The other guard is engulfed in the crowd. Big Mac looks back and forth before he gets an idea. He runs over to where the skylanders are. He tears the TV off the wall (the one for playing demos). A shit ton of fillies begin chasing him away.

Spike is laying in his walks into spike's room.

"Spike, I think you've been grounded long enough". Twilight says.

"Twilight, after one day of being trapped in here, I began to talk to my own shit. I think I've been here long enough indeed." Spike says with a shit grin on his fucking stupid head resting on his penis neck attached to his fat fucking lump of a body.

"Alright, you and I need to go pick out some Christmas decorations tomorrow." Twilight says.

"Okay, can I get my Xbox back?" Spike asks.

"Sure." Twilight responds. Twilight walks out of spike's room. She immediately sneaks out of the library. There's a fucking riot in the streets, with hooligans and soccer moms running all about between stores as ponies smash windows and fight over electronics. Twilight puts on a ski mask and runs across the street to a store.

Spike is sitting on his bed, screaming while on Xbox live over someone saying they could kick his ass at 1v1. Spike hears someone banging on the door.

"Let me the fuck in! They'll kill me!" A pony yells. Spike groans, hops off his bed and walks downstairs. He begins opening the door.

"I don't want any fucking cookies!" Spike says before a homeless pony runs into the house. Spike grabs a broom.

"No! Twilight said no more homeless ponies are allowed in the house! Shoo!" Spike says. The homeless pony runs upstairs. Spike notices a group of masked figures approaching the house. He shuts the door and locks it. The doorbell rings. Spike looks through the peephole and sees tobuscus looking back at him.

"Hello, audience! As you should know, Black Friday is a day to let the beast out in you, a day to punch old people over toys and trample people over playstations, but some people, like that fucking asshole, still can't afford anything, even with their low, low prices! He attempted to steal one of my six iPads as I left best buy, and him being a blackie doesn't help...now we're gonna kill him!" Tobuscus says.

"You have the average length of a Tobuscus dancing or singing joke to give him to us! That'll be one hour! The clock is ticking!". Tobuscus says. Spike walks upstairs.

"Come on! There's no use hiding! I'll fucking find you!" Spike yells. The pony doesn't answer.

"Damn it. Alright! Now I'm coming to find your sorry ass! You'd better fucking hide!" Spike yells. He snaps the broom in half over his knee and keeps half of it (it has a pointy part where it was snapped) as a short spear. Big Macintosh climbs inside through an open window with a skylanders TV.

"Why if it isn't some fat tub of fuck covered in doo doo! Why are you here?" Spike asks.

"These ten fillies were tryin' to chase me down, I need to hide!" Big Macintosh says.

"Hey! I saw a big red fuck climb in your house! We're coming in to kill his tomahawk chuckin' ass so we can scalp him!" Tobuscus yells.

"Oh fuck cakes! Big mac, we need to get out of here!" Spike says.

"Nope." Big Mac says. He draws a pistol. Big Mac walks down the stairs to the downstairs area of the library. One of the masked figures pulls out a sword. Big Mac shoots him in the head. The masked figures begin to run away.

"Why are you all running!? You're just a bunch of pussies, like the french! I'm gonna kill this indian!" Tobuscus shouts. Tobuscus starts throwing his ipads at Big Mac. Big Mac is not phased by this little shit tactic, and blows Tobuscus's head off.

"Thanks, Big Mac! Now, what about the homeless pony?" Spike asks.

"Simple, he's a n*****, right? I know how to scare n*****s!" Big Mac says. He takes the two halves of the broom Spike broke and tapes them together into a cross. He sets the cross on fire. The homeless pony leaps out a window and dies.

The cutie mark crusaders are inside a mall. There is chaos everywhere. Ponies are shooting at each other, slipping and falling in pools of blood, and even some ponies are running around while on fire.

"Maybe our cutie marks'll be for lootin'!" Applebloom says. She pulls out a crowbar. A pony runs over and picks up Scootaloo.

"What the fuck!? Fucking shit! AAAGH" Scootaloo screams as the pony uses her to beat the fuck out of another pony.

"We've gotta run!" Sweetie bell says. Applebloom and Sweetie bell run over to the jewelry store.

"Here, maybe if we steal some rings 'n' necklaces, we can sell em' later!" Applebloom says. They see two ponies fighting. One of the ponies is being choked out with a gold chain. The pony smashes a display and uses a diamond to beat the other pony to death. The pony then tosses the diamond, the gold chain, and a bunch of other pieces of jewelry in a bag and runs away. Applebloom sits down and starts crying.

"I wanna go home!" Applebloom cries. Scootaloo (whose legs have been broken) drags herself over to them.

"They're coming!" Scootaloo utters before passing out. Sweetie bell tries to pull Applebloom to her feet. She looks over her shoulder and sees five ponies in a "kill circle" walking towards them, shooting any pony who is near them.

"APPLEBLOOM! WE NEED TO LEAVE!" Sweetie belle yells as she shakes Applebloom. Applebloom keeps crying. Sweetie belle runs away.

A few days later, Twilight and Spike are walking through the mall. Spike is wearing a knitted beanie and a sweater. There's a line of fillies waiting to get a picture with Santa. Santa is just Starswirl the bearded, who out of chance looks just like Santa claus.

"Twilight, can I get in line?" Spike asks.

"Sure, I'll meet up with you here in a few minutes." Twilight says. Twilight walks away. Spike walks over to the front of the line.

"Hey! Why do you get to go to the front?" a filly whines.

"Because I'm special." Spike says.

"I'm special, too!" a filly says.

"No, you guys are more like short bus special. I'm front of the line special." Spike says. When Starswirl the bearded sends a filly to go back to their parents, Spike walks up to him. He sits on Starswirl the bearded's lap.

"Ho-ho-ho! What would you like for christmas, little boy?" Starswirl the bearded asks.

"I'd like you to shut your chicken shit mouth so I can tell you what I want, bitch." Spike says.

I want a pet cactus, an ice cream machine, a new TV, a treasure chest, a race car bed, a train set," Spike says. He goes on for thirty minutes before Starswirl the bearded stands up.

"That's fucking it! I'm gonna kill this kid!" Starswirl the bearded yells. He picks up Spike and climbs into the giant gingerbread house behind him. While he walks inside, he shoots an uzi in the air. Kids begin to run away as Starswirl the bearded throws Spike into one of the corners of the house.

"I'm gonna make you my bitch!" Starswirl the bearded says. He picks up Spike and throws him around. Starswirl the bearded punches the fuck out of Spike before tying him up. Twilight walks over to where the line was to see the swat team shining big lights at the gingerbread house.

"What's going on in there?" Twilight asks.

"Some kid annoyed the mall santa until he had a mental breakdown. I think the kid was a dragon or something. We're about to try and negotiate with him." a swat team member says.

"Goddamnit, Spike!" Twilight yells. Starswirl the bearded walks out on top of the gingerbread house. Spike is next to him with bruises all over his face as well as a black eye.

"We want to negotiate with you! Just don't hurt the dragon!" the swat negotiator says.

"You'd better start making offers, because I really want to kill this kid!" Starswirl the bearded yells back.

"You strike me as a huge faggot, So we will give you fifty percent off coupons for justice, victoria's secret, and JC Penny's so you can go get some Jays." the negotiator says. Starswirl the bearded kicks Spike forward. He has a noose tied around his neck. Spike gets lynched. The swat team shoots Starswirl the bearded down.

Spike appears in hell. Santa claus is coming to town (the song) is playing in the background as ponies scream in agony in the background. Discord is sitting in his throne wearing a santa hat. Starswirl the bearded appears next to Spike.

"Welcome back, Spike and Starswirl the bearded!" Discord says. Starswirl the bearded walks up to Discord and starts crying.

"Discord! Please, you need to help! Send this kid back! Just don't let him stay here!" Starswirl the bearded says.

"Come on! Spike's my bro, man! He's gonna stay here for the holidays!" Discord says.

"Actually, I'm gonna go home if that's okay." Spike says.

"Well, it's not okay." Discord says.

"Discord, just let me go home!" Spike yells. Starswirl the bearded shoots a magic beam at Spike that makes him disappear.

"Fuckin' damn it! That's seven lashings for you, Star!" Discord yells. Spike appears next to Twilight at the mall.

"Spike, what did you do?" Twilight asks.

"I told the mall santa what I wanted for christmas!" Spike yells.

A few days later, it's christmas eve. Spike is putting ornaments up on the tree. Owlicious is flying around Spike's head.

"Shut the fuck up, Owlicious!" Spike says. He swats Owlicious away. Owlicious flies into the fireplace and dies. Spike hears the doorbell ring. Spike walks over and answers the door. A group of carolers begin singing silent night.

"You fucking fakers! You're just a bunch of covetous jews looking for extra cash!" Spike says. He shuts the door.

"Wait, what was I just doing? Whatever, I'll just go make a gingerbread house. I mean, Twilight said I wasn't allowed to make it yet, but she's probably got PMS cuz she's a fat nerd who will never get fuck." Spike says. He opens the box to the gingerbread house set. He looks at the instructions.

"Fuck the instructions, I'm a manly man, I don't need them." Spike says. He sticks a wall to the floor with icing. The wall falls over.

"That's fine, I'll just put up all the walls really quickly so they all support each other." Spike says. Spike holds the wall in place while he attempts to put another wall on. He accidentally drops the wall, which hits the floor. It breaks.

"Fuck!" Spike yells as he slams both fists down on the pieces to the pieces to the house, crushing them. Spike breathes fire on the pieces and stands up on the chair.

"Yeah, fuck making gingerbread houses!" Spike says. He pisses all over the burned pieces. Twilight walks inside at that moment.

"Spike the dragon! I go shopping for one hour and this is what I come home to!?" Twilight yells.

"Whatever, I'll just send it to Celestia. That'll be our christmas present to her." Spike says.

"SPIKE! NO!" Twilight yells. Spike breathes fire on the burned, pissed on pieces of gingerbread and they disappear.

"Spike! Send an apology note, NOW!" Twilight yells.

"No! I shouldn't apologize for my art!" Spike yells back. Spike then runs to his room crying. Later that night. Twilight turns on the christmas lights on the tree.

"Alright, Spike. Let's set out cookies and milk for santa." Twilight says. She opens the cookie jar and takes out three cookies. She puts them on a plate along with a glass of milk and sets them on the table.

"Okay, now you need to get to sleep, Spike." Twilight says.

"Alright." Spike says. He walks into his room and goes to bed. That night, Spike wakes up in his bed. He hears someone walking around in another room. He gets up and walks into the living room. Spike sees a big figure standing near the table eating their cookies.

"Santa?" Spike asks. The figure turns around. It's a pony in a black ski mask. He pulls a gun on Spike.

"Go away, man! Go away!" the home invader says. A set of antlers impale the borglor. The borglor falls over and dies. Santa claus is standing there with his reindeer.

"Ho-ho-ho! Christmas is a day of giving gifts, not stealing them!" Santa says.

"Santa! Take me with you!" Spike says.

"What?" Santa asks. Spike grabs the borglor's gun and points it at Santa.

"Take me with you to the fucking north pole so I can chill with penguins and shit!" Spike says. Santa throws sparkling dust in Spike's face.

"Ho-ho-ho! Sorry child, but I'm the only one who can go pimping in the N-P with Rudolph, little motherfucker!" Santa says. Spike wakes up the next morning.

"Egh, what happened last night? Wait, it's fucking christmas!" Spike yells. He runs over to Twilight's room.

"Wake the fuck up! It's christmas, you big purple bitch!" Spike yells. Spike and Twilight go into the living room. There is only one gift for Spike, and it's ten feet tall and five feet tall.

"Holy shit! I must've got that fucking giraffe I asked for!" Spike says. He tears open the package. A giant pile of coal tumbles out of the box, burying Spike.

The End


End file.
